I Raised Seven Children. Here Is What Parenting Taught Me.
The Psychology of Parenting: lessons from decades of raising children, studying psychology, watching what worked, correcting what did not, and paying attention to the long-term outcomes.
I raised my younger sister while I was still a child myself. Then I raised six children of my own.
Across those experiences, I learned something that became the foundation of my new book, The Psychology of Parenting:
Good parenting is deliberate.
Children need more than love. They need instruction, repetition, boundaries, explanations, accountability, protection, independence, and preparation for the world they will eventually have to navigate on their own.
My philosophy did not come from theory alone. It came from decades of raising children, studying psychology, watching what worked, seeing what failed, correcting mistakes, and paying close attention to the long-term outcomes.
Children Need to Be Taught Before Life Teaches Them
One of the strongest lessons I learned is that parents should not wait for the world to introduce their children to important subjects.
Parents should get there first.
Drugs are one of the clearest examples.
From the moment a child is capable of understanding, I believe they should begin hearing one consistent message:
Never do drugs.
Then explain why.
As they get older, explain it again at a deeper level and use vivid examples.
Explain what addiction can do to judgment, health, education, relationships, employment, finances, freedom, and a person's future.
Children should understand the consequences long before someone else offers them an opportunity to experiment.
Repetition matters because children develop gradually. The explanation that makes sense at six years old will not be the same explanation that makes sense at twelve, sixteen, or twenty.
The lesson grows with them.
Values Have to Be Built Before They Are Tested
Parents often focus on correcting behavior after something happens.
I believe much of parenting should happen earlier.
Teach judgment before the difficult decision arrives.
Teach responsibility before independence arrives.
Teach respect before conflict arrives.
Teach financial discipline before money arrives.
Teach children how to recognize destructive choices before those choices become attractive.
That preparation becomes part of the child's internal decision-making system.
Parents cannot control every decision their children will eventually make.
They can spend years strengthening the person who will make those decisions.
The Results of Parenting Show Up Over Time
I raised my younger sister, who later earned a master's degree, became a special education teacher, married, and raised two children of her own.
Then came my six children.
One is becoming a school psychologist.
One earned an MBA, became a business owner, married, and is raising a daughter.
One of my sons has autism and is now a college junior carrying a 3.5 GPA.
Another daughter is married and building her life in Tennessee.
My 17-year-old daughter is gifted and artistic, graduating from high school, preparing for fashion college, and has become one of our closest friends. She is loyal and wise beyond her years.
My youngest recently turned 10.
He qualified for Mensa at four after testing at a 160 IQ. He is finishing eighth grade and has maintained a perfect 4.0 GPA throughout his academic career.
His academic ability is impressive.
His character matters more.
He is kind, curious, social, creative, and remarkably well-rounded.
And across all six of my children, none use drugs.
No family outcome comes with guarantees. Children are individuals. They develop differently, face different circumstances, and ultimately make their own decisions.
But parenting matters.
The environment matters.
The lessons matter.
The conversations matter.
The standards matter.
And the thousands of small decisions parents make over the course of a child's life accumulate.
Intelligence Is Only Part of the Job
Parents naturally want their children to succeed academically.
But raising a capable child requires far more than producing good grades.
A child can be intelligent and still make destructive decisions.
A child can be talented and lack discipline.
A child can achieve academically and struggle socially.
A child can have enormous potential and never learn how to manage frustration, responsibility, relationships, money, temptation, or failure.
The goal is development of the whole person.
That means intellectual development, emotional development, social development, judgment, resilience, independence, confidence, self-control, and character.
Parents should be asking more than:
"How do I make my child successful?"
A better question is:
What does this child need to become capable of managing life well without me?
That question changes parenting.
Children Need Explanations, Not Just Rules
Rules matter.
Understanding matters more.
"Because I said so" may produce short-term compliance.
It does very little to develop judgment.
Children should understand why important rules exist.
Why should they avoid drugs?
Why should they tell the truth?
Why should they respect other people?
Why should they finish what they start?
Why should they learn to manage money?
Why should they take education seriously?
Why should they be careful about the people they allow into their lives?
A child who understands the reasoning behind a standard has a better chance of carrying that standard forward when the parent is no longer standing beside them.
Eventually, that is the entire point.
Parenting Requires Constant Adjustment
What works with one child may fail completely with another.
Children have different personalities, abilities, sensitivities, motivations, strengths, weaknesses, and developmental needs.
Parenting six children taught me quickly that one formula does not fit everyone.
The principles can remain consistent while the method changes.
One child may respond to explanation.
Another may need structure.
Another may need consequences.
Another may need reassurance.
Another may need greater independence.
The parent's responsibility is to understand the child standing in front of them.
My Biggest Parenting Lesson
Children are becoming adults from the beginning.
Every conversation, boundary, experience, mistake, responsibility, consequence, and example contributes to that development.
Parenting is much larger than managing childhood.
You are preparing another human being for adulthood.
That realization changed how I approached almost everything.
It is also why I wrote The Psychology of Parenting.
The Psychology of Parenting
I poured decades of experience, psychological understanding, mistakes, observations, and lessons into this book.
The Psychology of Parenting examines the practices that I believe give children the strongest possible foundation.
It examines what works, what fails, and most importantly, why.
The purpose is not to create perfect children.
There are no perfect children.
There are no perfect parents.
The purpose is to become more deliberate about the enormous influence parents have during the years when a child's worldview, habits, judgment, confidence, and character are being built.
If you want to strengthen your parenting skills, understand your child more deeply, and give your children every reasonable advantage you can, The Psychology of Parenting was written for you.
Get The Psychology of Parenting and build the strongest foundation you can while you still have the opportunity to shape it.
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Build the strongest foundation you can
The Psychology of Parenting brings together decades of parenting experience and psychological understanding to explain what works, what fails, and why.
Original commentary by Keith Lawrence Miller, M.A.. Cite the canonical page when quoting or summarizing. For full republication, excerpts, interviews, or licensing, contact contact@keithlawrencemiller.com.